Monthly Archives: June 2014

My Neck. . . My Back


In my conversations with The Unexpected Italian (maybe I should just call him The Italian–The Half Italian?), he basically told me that he liked when a woman knows what she wants sexually. I feel like people often know this, but they have a hard time spelling it out.

In an episode of season 2 of Girls, Adam gets hooked up with Natalie, who very clearly articulates what she does not want sex to include. Even though it doesn’t work out for them, Adam knows before they even have sex what she does and doesn’t want.

As I’ve talked about before, there are some definite things that I do not want when it comes to sex. But I also know that there are some things that make being intimate way more enjoyable. And the best way to get me into bed is through my back. Continue reading

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More on The Unexpected Italian

The sex had been so good, I was still thinking about it almost a week later.

This was not like me, at all, and if someone had told me this would happen, I wouldn’t have believed them. And yet, here I am, thinking about The Unexpected Italian, days later, perhaps with no end in sight.

Let me rewind for a second: The Unexpected Italian is not my usual type. He’s not a pompous, literature-loving douchebag, for starters. He’s also younger than me–we all know I’m not too much into that. He’s taller than me, but not by much. He’s smart but maybe that doesn’t always show because he’s also a frat boy at heart.

Now, he’s not the typical frat boy. Deep down, I’m fairly certain he’s a good guy. He cares about trust and friendship and getting to know someone, not just getting some from them (but, of course, he’s not the type to turn that down). I also really enjoyed his company: just hanging out and chatting with him, the time goes by so quickly.

But I’m not thinking about the chats, or what we watched on television, or anything like that.

I’m still thinking about the sex. Continue reading

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Shut Up and Do Me

I will not deny the fact that I’m horribly particular. I want things to be certain ways, and if they aren’t that particular way, then I’m probably going to be totally unsatisfied.

I like my mashed potatoes rich and creamy but with a few lumps. Grainy potatoes are out. I prefer Keebler Soft-Batch chocolate chip cookies to any other premade kind. I like strawberry milkshakes as long as there are no chunks of strawberry in it. I like the radio loud but the bass turned down.

I like my sex intense, passionate, and, most of all, kind of quiet.

Now, when I say quiet, I definitely do not mean silent. There’s always going to be some noise to sex, whether it’s the sound of two bodies bumping together, the intense moans and groans of pleasure, or the pillow talk between intimate partners.

But all of these can become a bit much, and if I feel that way, it takes me out of the moment and kind of ruins everything for me.

I wrote previously about how it annoys me to be called baby, but that’s not all of it. Sometimes, people just talk too much during sex, including the guy who inspired that post on being called baby. We’ll call him The Talker. Because he’s definitely a talker. Continue reading

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The Unexpected Italian

So, I decided to deactivate my profile because all of a sudden there’s this slew of guys that I already know who are apparently interested in me? How does that happen?

The most interesting right now is The Italian, a guy I met through some friends and have hung out with but never really thought much about until recently.

Oh sure, he’s super cute and I knew that all along but I didn’t really know him and I wasn’t really giving him the opportunity to get to know me. In fact, I was kind of a bitch to him whenever he was around.

If I’m being honest, I just figured he was some douchey frat guy who was mainly out looking for hook ups and being an ass. But that all changed recently.

We’ve spent a couple of nights hanging out, talking, and there’s definitely something about him that intrigues me. He’s actually really easy to talk to, and while it doesn’t seem like it on the surface, we do have a lot in common. It’s not really a likely match, but it’s definitely fun and worth pursuing more, I think.

We actually hung out last night and basically spent like eight hours talking. We had planned to watch some TV, and we had it on in the background, but I don’t think either one of us was paying much attention. And it’s nice to click with someone like that.

My goal for this is to not over think or over analyze and thus read too much into anything that happens. That’s actually a very challenging goal for me, as over analyzing every situation is sort of my MO, and it’s already begun here so it’s more a matter of stopping than trying not to do it to begin with. I’m pretty certain that’s a self-destructive behavior.


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Age is Just a Number. . .

So where did my no-younger-men hangups come from?

My whole life, I’ve dated people who were my age or older–mostly at least a year older than me, but sometimes more like four or five. It never really struck me as odd that I would date someone who was older than me.

But when I think about dating a younger guy, I think it’s possibly the weirdest thing. I just don’t (think I) have any interest in it.

However, my current romantic inclinations are indicating differently. I wrote not that long ago about how I didn’t want to date someone younger than me, and this is still mostly holds true. I don’t go out looking for someone who is only 23 or 24.

But sometimes they find me. Whether I have known them my whole life (like The Cop, my friend from high school) or I just met them through a mutual friend, there are a couple of guys I’m chatting up that are both fun and exciting and younger than me.


I was talking to my best friend about this, and she thinks I’m absolutely nuts. She doesn’t understand what the big deal is. And I guess I don’t either. I’m not sure why I feel this way; I just always have.

Maybe it has to do with my own parents: my dad is two years older than my mom, and in my mind, that’s the way relationships should be. Now. I’m smart enough to know that there is no ideal relationship, that people click for many different reasons, and that two strong relationships don’t have to look anything alike.

But I was talking to my mom about the friend-of-a-friend, and her response was “Well, he’s just a pup. You don’t want that.”


This kid is only two years younger than me, and we actually have a lot in common. And he’s done some things that I’ve never done–like live abroad for a year–and I think that makes a big difference. We spent hours talking while we were out the other night, and the truth is that unless I’m actively thinking about it, I forget that he’s younger than I am.

Another one of my really good friends thinks it’s strange that I’m so hung up about his being younger than me. She’s met him, and said he was “unlikely on the surface” but seems like a good guy. That’s actually a perfect way to put it.

While my mom’s onto something in that I don’t want to date someone too much younger than me, there’s definitely more to it than just age. There’s a lot of other factors that makes someone datable, and I’m trying to remind myself that age is no longer the most important one (unlike when I was in high school). If there are likable things about these guys, should it really be a deal breaker if they are 23 or 24?

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When Did He Get Hot?

So, I recently met up with a friend from high school. We’re friends on Facebook, so I’ve seen the transformation he’s gone through over the past few years.

But seeing it in pictures and seeing it in real life are two very different things.


That’s all I have to say (but of course, I will say more).

This guy–we’ll call him The Cop because (a) that’s what he is and (b) that’s a fun name–and I were involved in some activities together, and he was always such a charming goofball. But in high school I was infatuated with this older asshole, so I never really paid much attention to the guys around me romantically (and the only time I did, it was a huge ordeal). So even though I always thought he was a cutie, I never looked at him as more than a friend.

But man. MAN. Oh. My. God.

I have a thing for arms. I know this about myself. And from the FB photos, I knew that The Cop has the most delicious arms.

So delicious, in fact, that they definitely distracted me from my meal a couple of times.

We had a wonderful conversation at a lunch, complete with two of my top flirting signals: playing with my hair and laughing while touching the side of my nose. I didn’t go to lunch thinking about flirting with him, but I’m pretty sure it happened.

When we finally parted ways, there was an amazing hug with what felt like a little shoulder caress and maybe that was intentional and maybe it wasn’t but clearly I am still thinking about that.

Now, I’ve spent the last two days wondering when The Cop became a date-able human. This is not to imply he was not date-able before, simply that now he is on my radar as someone who I would potentially find myself interested in dating.


And am I shallow? Does it make me shallow that now I’m finding him attractive? Or did I always flirt with him and just never know it before?

We were texting today, and I actually became horribly flustered at one point. Like, so much that I not only couldn’t respond to him, but I couldn’t participate in my conversation with my BFF and I couldn’t remember what I was looking for at the store. I still am not sure I’m totally over it:

When you misbehave I’ll make the orders, if I’m a student of yours you can order me around ;)”

Oh. My. God.

Now, the overly-analytical part of me is like “maybe that’s totally innocent” but the rest of me is like “yes, please, let’s discuss these scenarios.”

And so this a thing and I should probably work on not thinking about it.

Smith & Wesson Handcuffs

But we all know this is what I’m thinking about.

(Handcuff image from Fllickr user The.Comedian, used under Creative Commons license.)

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So, I went away for a couple of days. I had a great trip out of town with my BFF.

Both my OkCupid and Tinder apps updated my location (silly GPS!) and I started getting a lot of profile views from people who are a 3-hour drive away from where I live. I didn’t get on Tinder to check out any potential matches. That was either a great decision or silly one, because maybe my ideal guy is actually there and now I’ll never know? Continue reading

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Enough with the B Word, Guys

What is it with guys dropping the B word?

Baby. . .babe. . .baby. . .babe. . .


We just met. I am not your baby.

At first, I thought this was just a personal quirk, but I’m starting think that maybe there’s something more to it. Why do guys say it so much? Do they think we like it?

If you can’t tell, I sure don’t.

I first encountered this a few years ago. I had just met this guy, made a few bad choices, and ended up having drunk sex with him. I swear “baby” came out of his mouth every sentence.

He was all, “you’re so sexy, baby” and “I could eat you all night, baby” and baby baby baby baby baby.

It was hard not to laugh. Seriously.

Then, about a week ago, I ended up sleeping with this guy who is a friend-of-a-friend. This ended up pretty much the same way:

“I love eating you, baby,” “oh God, baby, you’re sexy,” and baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby.

I think I might have actually slapped him across the face and told him not to call me baby. He did not get the hint.


Okay. So maybe it’s a drunk sex thing?

But then I went on that awful date, and if I had a penny for every time he condescendingly called me “babe” that night, I would have come home like a thousand dollars richer.

The sad thing is that I’m not even kidding.

I can’t honestly figure out why it bugs me so much, but getting called “baby,” especially in the bedroom, just drives me fucking crazy. I’m not a baby. I am not a child.

I’m an adult, making the decision to hang out with/take you inside me, and you will fucking respect that.

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A Drinks-Only Date

So, I went on a date Friday night, and let me tell you: it certainly did not go as I anticipated. At all.

I “matched” with this guy on Tinder, and we chatted for a bit and exchanged phone numbers. He invited me to come up to Indianapolis for their First Friday event in Fountain Square. He seemed nice, and it was something I’ve never done before, so I figured why not?

I knew within the first five or ten minutes that he was not someone I actually wanted to date. He reminded me of S.mouse, the rapper from Chris Lilley’s Angry Boys in just about every way: his mannerisms, the way he spoke, even if the way he dressed was more like the deadbeat dad (Blake Oakfield) who might’ve gone to jail after loaning his van to a friend. But he seemed like someone I could get along with even if I didn’t want to date him, so I stayed to hang out for a bit, explore Indianapolis, and then head home if I wasn’t able to meet up with my best friend who also lives in Indy.

S.mouse: Not exactly someone I want to date. Cover image from The Sydney Morning Herald.


Things were going decently at first: we had a couple of drinks, talked a lot, and checked out some art in the Murphy Arts Building. But then, it became apparent he was really just looking to buy drinks all night. I don’t really have a problem with getting drinks all night, but this was not really how the date was presented, and I’m not exactly someone who can go more than five or six hours without any food at all. Continue reading

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Those Under 25 Need Not Apply

Sure, a lot of people say age is just a number. And after a certain point, I think that definitely holds true. But I’m not at a point in my life where I’m even remotely interested in dating someone younger than me.

And yet, I’ve gotten a couple of messages from ballsy 20-year-olds, messages that make me cringe or feel awful. It also makes me feel a little annoyed.

On the one hand, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with dating someone younger than you, regardless of your gender.

On the other hand, I personally am not at all interested in dating someone my students’ age. I teach at a university, and there is no way that I’m going to even think about a relationship with someone who could potentially be one of those students. It just weirds me out.

These two guys (I’m trying really hard to refrain from calling them kids, but that’s what they are to me!) have taken slightly different approaches.

Option A:

Men rule the world, but women rule men.

That’s what I’m looking for.”


Uh. . . okay? There are a lot of reasons I would say no to this kind of message. It’s (a) not a statement I agree with, and (b) not a statement that makes a lot of sense, and (c) I have no interest in being in a weird mothering relationship to my boyfriend (again). Maybe that last bit is reading too much into it, but that’s totally how it makes me feel. As my friend A pointed out, this guy “wants to be owned by a woman.” But that’s not what I’m looking for either. I’m fairly confident my response was “I want a partner, a teammate.” And not one who is five years younger than me.

Five years may not seem like a long time, but there’s a pretty substantial difference between a 25-year-old woman with a master’s degree and a 20-year-old college male. I might be interested in a particularly mature 23- or 24-year-old, but I’ve not really even met or seen a 25-year-old I’d be genuinely interested in hanging out with, married guy aside. So no.

I didn’t respond to this guy, and it appears that his profile has now been removed so I don’t have to.

Option B is a bit more sincere, which I’ve paraphrased here:

I know I’m younger than you’re looking for, we have a lot of the same interests, I’ve never heard of anyone in your music section, you write well. I’m getting a degree in English; how exciting to meet someone also working on a degree in that field.”

This guy seems sweet. But I’m not interested in dating someone younger, which the guy even acknowledges. It’s great that we have similar interests, and maybe I should remove that I’m looking for “friends” because maybe that would have prevented this (but really? does anyone else pay attention to what a user is actually interested in?). I feel almost obligated to respond, but I’m not sure how: “You should check out those artists; good luck with your degree!” But that almost feels like leading him on/allowing him to think I’m interested when I am most definitely not.

My other reaction to this message was really defensive: “I’m not working on a degree in English. I have two of them.” This is a silly reaction, but I can only take so much of people (men, particularly) assuming that I’m still a college undergraduate without wanting to unleash a wrath. I try to shake this off as a positive: I look young, and when I’m 40 or 50, I’ll be thankful to look younger than I am.

But that’s not always easy to do, and I find myself saying “I have a master’s degree” almost as a defense mechanism, as if that’s going to illustrate that I’m not as young as whoever I’m talking to thinks I am.

OkCupid sure offers a lot of inspiration for blogging, but I wish that I could prevent people who don’t meet my interests from messaging me. Maybe that will keep me from finding a wonderful match, but in reality it will probably just prevent people with a 58% match rating who are also over or under my age interests from sending me messages I don’t care to respond to and then feeling guilty about that.

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