“Just Tell Him You Like Him!”

Haha, BFF. This is advice my best friend gave me today, after hearing me fawn over The Cop for most of last night and then again today via text. By 9:17 this morning, I was already being told to just tell him I like him because I was talking about him that much.

“Riiiiiight. Like that would ever happen.”

What is my problem? I am totally, 100% against exposing my feelings directly to someone whom I have known for years. Maybe it’s the fact that we haven’t talked in a few years. Maybe it’s because there’s been a sudden shift in my point of view and ideas about him. Maybe it’s because I’m left wondering, “why did I never see The Cop this way before? Or did I, and I just didn’t know it?”

So while I’m dealing with those thoughts, I’m also thinking about how The Cop is leaving town soon to be un-see-able but not totally un-reachable while also being so busy. For four months.

FOUR MONTHS.

We all know I’m going to be sitting at my desk, twirling my hair, thinking about his arms.

This fact of life is leaving me being a little irrational–like, really, if he’s off doing his cop things is he really going to be meeting and falling for some other girl? No. Probably not, unless she is also at the police academy and then maybe that would be a good fit for him? I don’t know.

But instead of just being like “listen, I think you are swell and I’d like to stay in touch while you’re gone and I hope that I don’t annoy you and then maybe we can hang out again when you’re back,” I’m having quiet, internal freak outs about whether or not he realized I like him or if he thinks I’m just weird?

I would rather over analyze every message we send each other.

Last night, I worked up the nerve to send him the following message:

Would it be weird if I said I would like to hug you again before you leave for the police academy?

And, miraculously, his response was “not at all,” with a lot of caveats about when it would have to be because of all the stuff he has to accomplish over the next few days before he heads out. He is understandably swamped and trying to see lots of people and take care of lots of things before he peaces out. But these weren’t excuses; it didn’t feel like his way of saying it’s not weird but it’s not going to happen.

In fact, he actually offered up suggestions of when he might be able to see me to give me a hug in between all of the other billion things he has to do.

Who is this? This is not what guys do. At least, not in my experiences. Instead, guys make up excuses and ask the girl to change plans, bend over backwards, and go out of her way if she wants something of him. Even if they’re in a relationship with eachother. Even when it makes more logical sense for the guy to make some effort to accommodate her.

We settled on a time between our commutes this morning, and I could barely sleep because I’m completely insane.

Sadly, it did not work out.

Instead, I woke up to a text message saying he was going out on a call shortly before he was supposed to get off work, and he may get held up with paperwork. I told him I would text when I was heading out for work and assume no response meant he was still busy laying down the law.

He was still busy, but he offered to swing by and see me at my place of work if he got off before I had to assume my teaching post. This didn’t happen, either, because paperwork is a bitch, but he did leave me an amazing message that made me laugh out loud when I checked my phone for the time during class.

The thing is, I’ve always known that The Cop was a sweetheart. He really, genuinely is. But he seemed to know that seeing him was important to me and that not seeing him could alter the state of my day.

I am not accustomed to this thoughtfulness, regardless of who is offering it. All this really did was make me more enamored with him.

But this. I want thiiiiiiiiiis kind of hug.

What I need to do is stop being a crazy person, to stop freaking out over every thing I say to him, and to decide to either (a) tell him I think he’s swell and then wait out the next four months to see what happens or (b) wait until he returns and see if I still feel the same way. And really, both of these are the same option in the long run: inevitably, there will be no significant advances in the next few months regardless if I said “I like you and think you’re swell and would like to see more of you when you come back” or if I wait and say “I like you and I think you’re swell and I’m glad that you’re back and I’d like to see more of you.”

Of course, I know what will happen. I will wait and wait and wait and text him at the last possible moment before he leaves so that I can get it off my chest without actually having to deal with it because telling someone my feelings is kind of like a confrontation and doesn’t that sound horrible?

Or maybe I don’t want to feel guilty about springing this on him right before such a big change in his life, as if that could make some sort of substantial difference for him while he’s away. Who wants to hear that someone is crazy about you right before you’re about to leave for an extended period of time? It’s like one of those horrible rom-coms where you know the exiting party is going to abandon his or her plans to come running back to say that s/he too is in love with the admitting party and look, they’re going to live happily ever after together.

But this is reality, and I don’t expect that, and wouldn’t telling him how I feel via text message right now sort of be like that?