Tag Archives: love

Weekends with TTP

You might remember that, back in August, I flew off the radar when I started dating this guy, this wonderful guy: The Traveling Progressive.

Then in January or February, I posted that TTP was moving. Not far–only about three hours away–but that’s about 200 miles and one time change. Ugh.

Now it is April, and somehow I realize that we’ve already successfully made it two full months of long-distance relationship.

It is wonderful; it is terrible. It is heartbreaking, and it warms every inch of me. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , ,

Lucky in Love

Some days, it just hits me how lucky I am.

A year ago, I was finally recovering from one of the worst relationships of my life. Now, I’m in one of the best relationships I’ve ever had.

But tonight, I am marathoning Catfish and if there is anything that can make a woman feel lucky in love, it’s watching this show. Especially after having tried the “online dating” thing and having one pretty miserable experience.

I think some of these situations are just absolutely crazy. I was totally shocked to see in one episode that Marcus is a real person. He’s really who he says he is!

But then he said something along the lines of “you can’t commit to just one kind of pizza.”

Ooookay?

And I feel like Daisy and Marcus had one of the better experiences. This is one of only a couple of times that I can remember the mystery person being who they said they were. Most of the time, it’s someone enacting a fantasy to, at best, deal with negatives of their own lives, or, at worst, to intentionally manipulate and take advantage of someone else they’ve met on the internet.

I am one of the lucky ones, I think while watching. Not necessarily for avoiding a catfish scenario, but because I am in love.

Real, true, genuine love.

And that is such a good feeling. Even in the sucky moments. Even when I’m upset the TTP is so far away. Even when I feel sad, lonely, and discouraged: I. Am. So. In. Love.

And that makes me one lucky lady.

Tagged , , , , , ,

The One With All The Tears

I have been relatively off the radar lately, friends. I posted forever ago, it seems like, about my awesome new relationship! And how this blog would be going in a new direction.

Apparently that direction was nowhere.

I really hope to start blogging more soon, I do. And today is the start of that.

TTP is moving.

TTP is away for the weekend.

For a reference point, TTP and I have spent exactly one night apart since we started dating. In August.

This weekend serves as kind of a trial run for his move (which will be in the next couple of weeks), and it is NOT looking good, folks. This morning I cried while I poured out the rest of his pot of coffee after he left for the airport.

It’s just like this, except “Gary” is “TTP”

Because that is a totally normal reaction.

But it’s always the littlest things, isn’t it? Right now I’m watching reruns of Friends (and no, not on Netflix, because I’m too lazy to get up and switch to the bluray player that runs Netflix). The way Ross just hugged Rachel, holding is hand against her head, totally reminds me of the ways that TTP snuggles me into him, holding me close to his chest.

It just doesn’t feel right that I’m going to go to bed tonight without feeling that embrace, the warmth. That love.

Surely I’m not the only one that can *feel* this?

Deep down, I know that I’m being just a little ridiculous. That I’m just being a bit emotional. I am capable of totally rationalizing that he’s (a) not moving that far away, (b) we’ll be able to see each other regularly, even if that isn’t every week, and (c) I am totally capable of functioning on my own.

That rationalizing doesn’t necessarily make it any easier, though.

Tagged , , , ,

Me: This is wonderful, but it’s also bad. Very bad. And by bad, I mean that I’m going to crash and burn for him.

J: 

Me: If I haven’t started already.

J: I was gonna say.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

While I Was Out

All’s been quiet on the blog front for me. I took ten-day family vacation to the Rocky Mountains, and I’m feeling very refreshed (if a bit stressed) now that I’m back. The mountains were beautiful and there was so much delicious wine.

tyrion wine gif

But a week without any real responsibilities means that my mind has been on overdrive, thinking mostly about my romantic and sexual health. Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Lunch with the BBINH

I recently had lunch with the Best Boyfriend I Never Had. This is something considering we live in two different states and haven’t talked, let alone seen each other, in over two years.

I had a lovely time, and it was a nice reminder of how well we got along and why. He told me about his new job and asked about some of my personal philosophies. We laughed a lot.

When my mom found out, though, she was intrigued. In some ways, I think she saw my relationship with the BBINH through a different lens than I did (a more serious, perhaps even more committed one). “Was is weird?” she wanted to know. “Was it awkward?” Continue reading

Tagged , , , , ,

Taking Time to Take Care of Yourself

On last night’s action-packed (seriously) season finale of Marriage Boot Camp, Gloria became the first person to not give back her partner’s ring, leaving Mark understandable upset.

And the Twitterverse, with Jim joking (sort of?):

Honestly, I wasn’t all that shocked that Gloria and Mark didn’t stay together, though I do have to commend Gloria for her reasoning: “I need to take time for me.”

At first, this seems kind of selfish, especially because I think Mark really did grow and really pored his heart out to her only moments before being crushed. But her whole point was that while the two of them had both grown as individuals, they hadn’t grown together as a couple, and she still had a lot of work to do in order to make their (or any) relationship work.

As Jim and Elizabeth said, and their production company later tweeted:

Usually, the best decision is the hardest one to make. We see Gloria say that she isn’t sure if walking away from her marriage to Mark would just be running away from another problem. Some fixes for problems seem easy, but they aren’t necessarily the right ones.

But this isn’t really about choices. This is about taking care of ourselves. How do we know when it’s time to “take time for me”? Continue reading

Tagged , , , , ,

Love Life Introspective, #2

I stay in bad relationships because I like to prove people wrong. Of course, I don’t realize that this is what’s happening at the time. When I think about some of the less positive relationships I’ve been in, though, I realize that this is definitely the case.

The only woman I’ve ever dated, The Girlfriend, had so many hang ups that centered on my not being “gay enough” for her. Regardless of how much I showed her I cared about her, she was concerned that I was going to leave her for a man. My feelings for her didn’t really matter, no matter how many times I explained how I felt–that I was attracted to her exactly as she was for exactly who she was. It didn’t have anything to do with whether or not I was previously or still attracted to men, at least for me. But eventually the desire to show her those feelings became something else, and the competitive side kicked in.

Instead of saying, “Listen, Girlfriend, I really love you and care about you, but if you can’t accept who I am, I don’t think this is going to work,” I would say or do whatever it seemed would make her feel better. I didn’t lie to her–I told her how I genuinely felt at the time. But in hindsight, those feelings might not have been motivated by our happy relationship, and that relationship became not so happy for me.

What did I feel the need to prove otherwise? Was I really convincing her of anything when the reality was that we simply weren’t right for each other, and these arguments were just symptomatic of that problem?

This is. . . not an isolated event. The Grad School Boyfriend was often verbally abusive. Among his favorite lines were “you said x to every guy you’ve dated!” or “If we break up, you’ll just go back to  being a slut and sleep with the first guy you can.” These weren’t one-time comments but frequent insults flung at me while inebriated. But I stayed with him to prove. . .that I loved him? That I wasn’t a slut? That he wasn’t the same as every other person I’d ever dated?

This is, simply put, a horrible practice. I didn’t prove anything. No matter what I said, it didn’t assuage his concerns or ease his paranoia. Instead, it just made me miserable. I was constantly trying to prove stuff to him because he was insecure and needed to be reassured, but any reassuring just led to more questions and more insecurity.

Sometimes, these situations lead to sacrificing who we are, and especially when that shouldn’t be the end result. I’m a big believer that the people in a relationship should grow and change together, but one person should not do all of the changing just to satisfy another person. With The Grad School Boyfriend, things became “I’m going to become who you want me to be in order to prove to you that I’m not who you think I am.” Why did that ever sound like a good idea?

This isn’t something that will be changed easily, unless I figure out how to identify it when it’s happening. But I can say that this isn’t healthy, and if one person is constantly proving anything to the other person (who, in return, is proving nothing), then things just aren’t going to work out.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Love Life Introspective, #1

After being in a long-term relationship for just short of two years, I find myself living six months single. Break-ups are hard, but I personally find the in-betweenness of twenty-something singledom to be frustrating.

I don’t know if “in-betweenness” is common post-break-ups at this age, but that’s definitely how I’m feeling. I no longer mourn my lost relationship, though I do occasionally get the urge to talk to the ex, The Grad School Boyfriend. This mostly happens when immersed in something I shared with him, like Game of Thrones.

At the same time, I am definitely not ready to be friends with him again. I would like to, eventually, but it’s just not something I’m sure we could ever do. Our relationship was, frankly, toxic. And how do you get over that toxic past to be friends who care about each other’s success and well-being without falling back into the toxic romance? Continue reading

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello, Sweetie.

Hello, Sweetie

Love this drawing of River Song by AgentBlackBloog at DeviantArt

So, I’m Zadie, and this is my blog. It’s looking kind of bare around here right now, but I’ll eventually get to adding more interesting stuff. I’m an aspiring novelist (aren’t we all?) hitting the ground running on a new WIP that I think will probably end up in the romance genre.

I currently live in Indiana, where I am reading, writing, living, and loving my way through my mid-twenties. I hope to share a bit of my life and my writing (my reading and my loving!) with you through this blog. I already have (what I hope to be) a fascinating read in the works for sometime this week!

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,